As one human being you don’t have enough brain cells and heart pulses to care for the people you have connected with in your life. It’s harder when you’re actually a good hearted person, because everyone wants your time. This social chatty internet shit makes it more confusing with how to spend your time living a healthy life. You’re not really “supposed” to be in touch with everyone you’ve met.

It’s harder for us to know who our true friends are and who really deserves our energy. So my suggestion is whoever makes you feel more comfortable in your own skin is worth your time. Others shouldn’t matter as much. The more real you are with yourself, and the more you surround yourself by people who “really” know who you are, the less stress you have to deal with.

Stop the frontin’. Your time is valuable and your brain shouldn’t be so distracted by caring about so many other problems. We all just have one body to deal with and one brain to be creative with and one heart to really squeeze and pour-your-love-out with. Maximize its use by minimizing its service.

Make, move, make, move, make, move — nothing needs you for too long unless you are in love and/or have kids, and even then, you can still make and move. Help as many people as you can by providing service. But when I say too long, I mean stop when you’re full. By full I don’t mean your hopes and dreams — I mean pride and acceptance. By that I don’t mean give up — I mean stop and think about longevity and sutainability. By lasting I don’t mean doing what you’re told to survive  – I mean keep your spirit alive. By spirit I don’t mean God — I mean your self.

Train yourself to be creative because if you don’t, you’ll just miss out on reality. It’s all moving — just catch it when it comes and roll with it baby (yes, you are a baby). The only home you got is in your heart and the only thing that distinguishes you is your creativity. Practice moving around. By that I don’t mean travel the world — I mean face your fears and challenge your comfort.

That’s how you keep creative.

Ever wonder if anything is dead when you think it’s dead?

Like when you get into an argument with someone you have a close relationship with, or when you lose a game, or when you promised to do something and you don’t live up to? Do you wonder if you lost something knowing you can never get back?

I thought about it and then I realized I’m too stubborn. I thought about being stubborn and then I realized that human beings have various degrees of stubbornness in them. My stubborn temperature rises in strategic situations where my decision affects a larger situation that it’s dependent upon.

I believe in moments of stubbornness one can learn most about themselves, others and completion of tasks. Nothing can survive or be complete on its own. It otherwise would not exist. This means that we as individuals must realize how important others are and how invisible we as individuals must be in the process of completion.

I believe everyone should aim to become invisible by controlling their times of stubbornness. In the society we live in, people are not like that, which means you have to always remember that.

Nothing is dead and gone, because if it was, you could never grow and mature as an individual. The way you handle and recognize your own stubbornness determines your level of maturity. So learn as much as you can about yourself by aiming to become invisible in your run to the finish line.

Pace yourself to win the marathon.

You’re wrong.

I’m a monster. Just like you.

Calling yourself good or nice is probably the most untruthful thing you can do and the worst path to pursue in promoting yourself in thinking that you are doing good for the world.

This might shock many of you who know me that might be reading this. Over the last few months I’ve realized some things about myself and the world that have spun me around.

I gave up a couple years of my life, or should I say gave in, to a passion for improvement and innovation. I pretty much became the project, the idea, the vision I was pursuing, and let everything about it become me. I left myself behind to explore myself and who I really was. I kept pushing, pushing, pushing for more, more, more. Talked to thousands of people, spread myself out, connected spirits and tapped into hearts. I’ve been called an idealist, altruist, agent of change, a kid with stars in her eyes and anything else you can imagine that falls under the category of hippie or activist. 

I have a lot of love to give, that’s one thing. But I’m equally full of anger, greed and pride — sins maybe? I’ve been called brave and seen as a risk-taker. I would say however, that I’m a wimp and cannot manage to put up too long with mundane, institutional, conventional environments and people . So instead, I do what I want to do and find my own nice way to get out and do what I want with the body and energy that I have. If I was brave, I’d work within the system, be a tool and part of the majority of society that is risking their bodies and energy for the consumption of others.

I figured that I have abilities that convince people to throw money in the shit I talk about. I make it all up. None of it exists. I’m not nice. I just want to do what I want to do and forget me not, I have a lot of love. I think that’s all people see and they kind of just trust it…for some reason. Maybe because I’ve got myself convinced that I’m so good.

Love, my fellow humans, is the only thing I have. I’m absolutely not in control of it. It has attracted me to the right people in my life — good or bad I label them not. I’ve become self-aware and realized that I’m nothing but a selfish, honest, confident, angry and competitive five-foot-two Iranian-Canadian girl who wants to take out my athletic personality (body no more) to the next level in society.

I’ll tell you what’s real:

Fiction, science fiction, cartoons, drugs, graffiti, sex, war, sports, dance, comedy and of course music and art tie all of them together. Oh and don’t forget space and energy.

If you put love beside any one of those, you’ll get magic — not good or bad, just magic. Probably the closest experience you can have to reality.

Being nice to people is only so they like you and give you a hand when you need one. You cannot survive in this world on your own. So convince yourself that you’re nice when you’re really a monster. It’s just a game man, you’ve got no choice but to play, and might as well try not to be a loser.

Let your love lead the way — that means forget yourself, do it for the game.

swear at the bus driver

tag the truck

yell at the parents

and punch the wall

burn the grass

pass it around

 

keep it moving

I don’t have all day bro

 

 shit in a bowl and give it a price tag

that shit is art

it’s worth it

you wanna buy?

I’m going to zoom out a bit here.

I’m Iranian. Yes. Full-blood, deeply rooted in ideologies, traditions and history of  Persian culture. You may argue that it’s dead, but I will argue that it is a living spirit that goes way beyond family, food, religion, language, music, poetry, politics and pride. It is a solid combination of all of them, still in search of identity.

I am who I am because of who my parents are, my family, my childhood and my life as an immigrant girl, now a woman, living in Toronto Canada. It’s not easy might I add, more complicated than I expected. I have come to accept it however and respect myself and my body more than what I’m expected of.

I am also who I am because I don’t agree with what society gives me. I’m completely against it. I wish I could kill people who don’t deserve to live and take up land, resources and infect the minds of humans. I’m completely against brainwashing people with what is THE RIGHT WAY – THE WAY OF GOD, THE WAY OF JESUS, THE WAY OF ALLAH. I think it’s all a pile of crap to keep us in our shells and used as tools within a system, whether its a political system, a technological system, a scientific system, an educational system…whatever the system may be. We have yet to pursue a system in harmony with nature.

Or maybe not, maybe this IS all nature and we ARE meant to be here exactly the way we are up to this point and our future is in our own hands. 

 

Zoom in: your life as one human. Zoom out: your life as one humanity.

 

Read a book to get ideas, don’t live your life by devotion to writing. Words are interpreted to create meaning, and as we know through evolution and time, things change — it’s inevitable, the way of nature. We are growing up. We’re pretty mature now.

So Muslims, who are you? Tell me! I want to know! What defines you as a Muslim? Because Christians let their faith lead to capitalism and consumer culture and you’ve let your faith limit the nature of your body and pleasures. Sure there are beautiful sayings in the Quran, there are many in the Bible too. Not to mention some other pretty amazing science fiction writers, filmmakers, poets, artists and philosophers with revolutionary minds that manifested to MOVEMENTS in society. They did a good job of literature too, but they never called it the word of God and punished you for disobeying them.

I have the freedom to sit here and type up my thoughts and share it with others. That is nothing new.

What is new is the future of Iran.

Why?

Iran, in my opinion, is the most confused country in the world right now because I can feel Iran living in me since the day I was born. Maybe it’s my dad, or my mom, or the combinations of the two, or the generations passed down in spirit and cosmos. But I am Iran. Iran is a confused, chaotic, versatile, passionate, intelligent and creative spirit that has been encapsulated for thousands of years and has not given up. We are the last hope for this world. We are capable of redefining the Middle East, the cradle of civilization, because of our revolutionary spirit that has lived in us for years.

I don’t know what else to say but…the time is right Iranian people. The media is on us. It’s what we’ve all been waiting for. What’s next? Community. Communication. Poetry. Our poetry will save us. Make a living poet the politician. No other land owns poetry like us. We have lived by it and continue to pass it down.

Use it Iran.

Use it now.

It’s been over 2 months since I last made a blog post.

What a shame.

I thought I was going to reflect more on my experiences and continue writing. Well, sometimes its best to let it lead up to the point where there is enough to write about and the inclination makes it happen.

So many things are going on in my life, it’s hard to grasp and put into words. Basically, I have stayed put in a place that I feel comfortable. I realized that the confidence I have in myself is the ONLY thing I have that keeps me going and keeps my life pointed in the direction I need to be going in.

I’ve come to the conclusion that everything is meant to happen to you because you deserve it. Every experience you go through and every new relationship has a meaning and place in your life. The more clear you are on how you operate and function, the more comfortable you will be in your own skin and your thirst for being alive is what defines you as an individual.

I’ve come to accept that I am a leader and after many years of practice and working towards improvement, I have learnt that you are in complete charge of your life if you are brave enough to accept opposing views. Fighting doesn’t necessarily mean there’s no love. The tiger wants to eat its prey and the prey wants to escape. It’s life: death happens, growth progresses, now is all we have, so accept it and move on.

People will always defend themselves – it’s part of human nature’s law of survival. What shocks me when I look around me is people’s fear. Maybe I shock people, and I’ve got it all wrong. I probably do shock people, but only  because I am shocked by people’s choices of fear when life is about self-preservation.

This tells us there is love. We make our choices from love.

Love is violence. Love is freedom and bliss. Love for self is unveiled through curiosity, creation and play.

God is in-between. This is what sex is all about. The most taboo topic is the reason why we fear everything around us. We have a general fear of our own bodies’ abilities, so we choose to exploit them instead of understanding how they can give us access to pleasure, marriage and freedom. 

All these words in italic must be redefined. We must deconstruct and reconstruct our understanding of concepts that can give us absolute freedom and happiness in this age of evolutionary consciousness.

Let it all go, accept it all.

Life has its ways.

To nature, childhood and neighbours

I’m sorry for not showing you that I love you. I keep denying that i like spending time with you. We used to hold hands and talk to each other, without keeping any secrets; we were honest. I would run to you, not because you asked me, but because you called. I thought you were everlasting; my fears only appeared when i realized you were gone.

I’m panicking. Who am i? Why am i here? Why am i so far from you? Where did i go? Who took me away from you?

I’m talking to you baby!

Everything you did to me that fulfilled my desires is buried in an island off in space. I don’t know where to find you! No one around me knows where you are either. Are you dead? Did you get kidnapped? Why would you ever leave me?

I know i should have told you i love you. I’m sorry! I didn’t know you would leave me and i never thought i’d be so lost and hurt without you. I’ve been desperately crying and taking so much medication. No one knows what’s wrong with me. I keep pretending like i’m fine and i want to forget it all. I want to forget that i ever had any feelings for you.

Maybe i hated you for the longest time. Maybe i knew why you left me but never wanted to face it because i’d feel like i would hate myself. I think all along i thought i could keep going and that i’d get somewhere where i’d be so in love that i would forget you and prove to myself that i could be healed.

Now, i realize that i just need to stop and appreciate what i lost so i can find my way back to you. I promise i’ll come back to you.

I love you.

That’s right, I mean it. If you want to do any good, you have to beat yourself up. It’s pretty easy though, just be a normal human being and strive for conquering the world. Why not aim to be the king, queen, prince or princess? To get to the top, you have to fight for it. What, you thought you could just climb the ladder, step by step, go higher and higher and you’ll get to the top of some roof and from there you can see other roofs and you’ll be happy sitting on top of roofs, chillin’ having a beer?

Well, sure, the ladder is meant to get you up. Everyone’s solution of what to use to get you up is to get a ladder. What if the ladder was never there? What if it wasn’t so easy to get up? What if all you had was your body and the urge to climb? You might find some tools and dig at making some steps, or call over a friend to lift you up, or make a rope somehow. Did I even mention what it is that you are trying to climb? I leave that up to you. Do you even need to climb? Who am I to tell you that you need to climb?

Design is the same way.

We’re talking about doing good, being good, yadi yadi ya. Come on people. What is good? Having a big house for my family in 2 cities and 3 beaches so my children can appreciate a wealthy life full of joy and no worry for money? Or, is good working in a non-profit organization, making ads for anti-poverty campaigns? Who is anyone to tell me what is good for me? The only good I know of is my strive for improvement on every level in my life. The only good I know is when I don’t listen to people around me who think they know what is good for me, and for themselves. The only good I know is when I listen to everyone and make my own decision on what is good for me, for others, and act on it.

So much for social design. I say kick yourself in the ass for not doing what you are capable of doing. That’s how you do good.

I’m sitting here on my bed with my 3 year-old Apple Powerbook — one of the old ones that has no Intel chip or Super Drive. I’ve forgotten how old I’ve become. I was in school with so much drive for social design. I must admit though, my drive made me super aggressive. Not very attractive. Is it?

I’m unemployed by choice at the moment.

Oh my! Unemployed? That’s such a disgrace to my education and my strive for being great. What a failure, right?

Sure. Why not call it a failure? I’m so tired of thinking that I’ve got the final answer and living up to my own super expectations. I haven’t been able to sleep well because of all this “design” thinking. The internet and my stupid laptop make it so easy for me to forget who I am. I’ve had so much of good and bad in my life and lost sense of what is important for my health and well-being.

I never wanted to save the world. I have no idea where it suddenly came from. Maybe because I was angry at everyone. As if I knew something that others didn’t and I would hide and pretend like I didn’t think I was better than everyone else. Maybe all I really wanted was a companion, to really get it, and do it with me; to save the world together and use the internet to spread it.

I’m lost.

Because after all that I have done, after standing up for what I believed was right, I admit that I’m a selfish girl and everyone else is selfish too, especially the ones that deny their selfishness.

I jumped into a neighbourhood and stood still for a year. I listened to everything. It was chaos. I began to see the design of a local community and how complicated and interconnected was. I realized that people all matter and every person thinks that they matter more. I started to see what “social” really meant. And I just designed on my way. By design I mean doing things that I was capable of doing.

 

I’m not going to lie or brag, but I’m a social cat. I love talking to people — from CEOs to the homeless. It’s the most enjoyable thing for me and that was something I only realized after I got out of school. I was more than lost in school, I was free. I could do anything I wanted but knew that I had to figure out the “world” part when I got out of school and I couldn’t waste any time. So speed became me and I hurt myself that way.

No regrets.

I realized that designing networks is all that matters. Networks = people. Connect people and you’ve done social design. And if you really are full of creativity, love and passion like myself, please practice it as an art. Just make art. I don’t know what your art is, but mine is poetry. I feel free when I do it. So, do something that will make you honor yourself. Put your heart out for the world to see. Don’t shove it down people’s throat, don’t say you’re right, don’t make people feel like they’re stupid and please don’t talk about how there is a final answer “somewhere” out there. Make money to save yourself; make art to save the world. You have one life and people care about who you are if you care enough for yourself to craft something beautiful and share it.  Art is something you do for free, for yourself, for exploration, for discovery. Art is the universe in your voice. 

Who knows?

Maybe you’ll make lots of money with your art one day!

      

pushing for possession of name,

is a deadly sin sucking souls

like vacuuming stains of memory,

and pangs of lust

dusting the heart of a warrior

 

insecurity,

a defender of sadness

accuses success

to be the enemy of joy

 

mountains of laugh

pile in my chest with

instructions to stay under pity

so i can fall by will

 

by lesson

i dive in a prudent mystery

fearing 

the rush, whispers

knockings and poundings

on my bedroom door

determined 

to interrogate my dreams

 

and when will turns the knob

history ends

i run back to sleep

 

rhythm of temptation

sweetness of 

soul-sucking

heart-pounding

fist-clenching fantasy

magnets the metal door

 

i hear the silence of sleep

a dead universe

denying to be lived in

 

so i collect the beads

of rush, whispers

knocks and pounds,

thread a necklace

and walk naked

 

all for pride of history

to go to sleep 

knowing my body 

is nothing but a bead 

around the neck of time

      

everything will

come together

with chance

and choice

 

balanced

and designed

with integrity 

and hope

 

yes

we can

      

 

GOD and HUMAN

MOTHER and NATURE

CHICKEN and EGG

MAN and ROOSTER

INVENTOR and INNOVATION

can’t go backwards

LIFE is always forward

and equal.

 

be born

re-birth

revolution

sex

acceptance

      

Design. Oh design how I love you. I hate you so much because my love for you makes me hate myself. I love being a designer but I hate design. I love designing but I hate talking about it. I love talking but I hate people who talk so much. I hate designers but I love to master designing. I am a designer, I love people. I am a designer, I am people. I am passionate and violent, I make and destroy. I want to be a revolution. I am a designer, I am.

Crazy am I? 

A little girl who came to Toronto from Tehran, leaving her childhood in the land of fertility. Iran with my mother. Iran with my father. Iran with my brother. I just ran far away from everything, out to explore a new reality. 

I tried to define myself so many times. I fell in love easily. Not with boys. No, boys didn’t come into the picture until late in the game. I fell in love with the energy of joy. Joy was all I ever wanted, really. Am I any different from you for craving joy? It was my best friend and I’m sure you are best friends too.

First joy came into my life through the piano. Memorizing notes and completion free of mistakes was joy. I took lessons for a year and learnt all the notes. My teacher loved me and she said I was a great student. I started hating it though. I hated it so I beat myself knowing I wasn’t going to be the best at mastering piano. It made me mad. Others were better, I just wasn’t good enough.

So I left piano and found joy again through sport. It was the start of a very long and brutal relationship. We broke up many times. Joy wasn’t very nice to me, even though I visibly invested energy into joy over anything else. I gave my heart away for the joy of sport. I cried when winning, cried when losing. I would practice for joy. But I hated myself! I hated not being able to master it. I would try so hard but  got rejected so many times. Sport wanted it to work too but demanded too much from me. I felt like shit. I felt like I was trying hard and not getting mutual love in return - like as if he could never understand my love for him. I now think the reason for our breakup was because I wanted to master the sport over mastering the joy of the sport. Through my process of mastering, I killed my joy in sport. Others were better, I just wasn’t good enough. I broke my own heart.

The computer. Oh the joy of the computer was there for as long as I can remember. Commodore 64 in Iran was the favourite childhood toy. Gaming was joy. We came to Canada in 1996 and the computer became more embedded in our lives since my dad had always been ahead with computers and software. My brother and I had the advantage of being raised with computers. I still remember the dial-up days, with Yahoo Chat and ICQ. Not that many people in middle school were tech saavy back then. I still remember the computer labs very limited with their computers programs and barely any of them had access to internet. All-the-Right-Type was a speed-typing program that I will never forget. I had a joy for mastering that too. Type fast! Free of mistakes! That was joy.

What about art? Well drawing was fun. I liked drawing things. But hell no, I was by no means the best artist. I was decent but it didn’t give me deep joy and I never thought about doing any masterpieces. I didn’t draw for fun for that long. I forced myself to do it because I wanted to master it. I couldn’t. I wanted to draw from my imagination, but couldn’t. Someway or another, I ended up in a program that was starting in a middle school called CyberARTS. My grade 6 teachers recommended that I go there. So I got in. I think that’s when my life began to take shape. I started dating art and computer fun, but I was still in love with the joy of sports.

From grade 7 to grade 12 (1998 - 2004), I continued getting to know computers and art. I was already in the pot to become a graphic designer. I had no choice, it picked me. Graphic software was fun for me to learn. It was a new language and I loved being given projects to work on using that language. I learnt so much about the life through the process of each project.

Writing? Well as you can see I enjoy doing it. Writing to me has always been the best way to express myself and articulate my thoughts. Writing was a joy for as long as I can remember. Did I ever dream of being a writer? Nope. Did I ever want to master writing? To some degree, but it didn’t bother me as much as my other mastering obsessions. I viewed it as a tool to be creative and expressive. It wasn’t until this past summer when I took a Creative Writing course (after OCAD told me I needed to take one last credit to graduate) that I confessed to myself I am a poet. Lillian Allen empowered me. She told me I had it. She said it to my face. I didn’t take my English teachers seriously in highschool when they would give me high marks and lots of comments on my writing. My grade 11 teacher used to go crazy over the poems I wrote in her class. I just never thought it was worth anything. I liked doing it for myself. It was my method of becoming my own teacher and mentor.

When the athlete in me died, I was dead. I knew I had to fall in love again. So I gave it all to graphic design. I’m free baby. I’m out to love you. I had 4 years of professional loving at Ontario Collage of Art & Design to master the joy of design. I did it, and quite well actually. I mastered the joy of design and I’d like to take this time to thank myself for mastering this joy. I could not have mastered this joy if I didn’t love myself. So I thank me for loving myself and staying in this relationship. I continue to call myself a professional graphic designer but I thank myself for realizing that I am by no means the best at anything. Because the only thing I am is me. And that is the story I just told you.

I am love.

I seek the joy of mastering design because I am Ghazaleh. I want to learn. I want to apply my learning and I like to use my brain. I don’t want to be the best at anything that confines me because I want to be free of order. I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I learnt that being a graphic designer is a privilege so I used it to my advantage. I threw myself out to the world with it. Here I am world! I design!

I could have never learnt more about myself by letting go of what I thought was best for me. I broke up many many times. But I was me. I had only me, my two eyes, ears, and my gut. I went to Florida with it, Chicago, New York, UN headquarters and even the MIT and Harvard campuses, on my own two feet with my own money. I admitted that I had some things to figure out.

Here I am now. 2009. What can I tell you?

I am Ghazaleh, the girl you always knew — doing what I want, designing from what I learn. Because design is beyond what you ever thought was real. Design is the process of mastering joy for people. So in order to master the joy of design, you have to design for people, constantly. Design is the ultimate creative force in each human being. Design means taking responsibility to make something that impacts those who interact with it. Whether its one person, a neighbourhood, or a nation, design is not an object - it is energy. It’s not what you make but the people who it resides in. It is people.

Be a designer. Listen. Look. Think. Link. Plan. Do…and never stop.

The fancier you think you are, the further away you drift from being a real designer. Stay true. Stay real. Find joy. Suck it up and fight for it. You have to be mean to win the grand prize. And winning the grand prize of mastering joy takes a lot of designing, even the grand prize itself.

      

i don’t waste my life trying to prove i am right.
i live my life doing what feels right.